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So, it is Down to You and it is Down to Me

August 5, 2011

By quoting The Princess Bride as the title of this post, I feel like I’ve made  it pretty obvious that I’m turning 30. For it is only we of a certain age who quote The Princess Bride.

I do not, however, want to make it seem like me and 30 are at odds like Vizzini and the Man in Black. I mean, I’m at odds with it, but I’m fairly certain it takes no issue with me. Especially since it is just a number, minding its own business, keeping track of years, not realizing the difficulty with which a person must accept its arrival. No battle of the wits here.

Honestly, I’m not sure how to describe the particular difficulty I’m having. I have no sense of wasted time or lost dreams or disappointment in goals not yet reached. (Probably helps that I don’t really set many long-term  goals; I’ve found this leads to fewer disappointments.) I don’t feel like my best years are behind me, nor do I feel like my life is passing me by. I love my life right now and it is not a life I could have had any younger.  So what’s the problem?

Well, there is no problem. I’m just … I’m just … well, I’m just 30!

The morning of my 25th birthday I remember thinking that in a very short time, I was going to wake up and be 30. I mourned the loss of my 20’s on my 25th birthday, which sounds morose, but I wasn’t sad. It was just an acknowledgement that my 20’s were not going to last forever, and I was indeed halfway through.Quite frankly I’m thrilled that my 20’s have not lasted forever. I would never in a million years want to relive those years.  Now that I’m done  I can see how, as much as you look forward to them as a teenager, you have no idea how hard they are going to be. Independence? Yes. Freedom? Yes. Nice ass? Yes. Insecurity? Also, yes. Ignorance? Oh, yes. Foolishness? So much foolishness. Bad relationships? So many.

Yes, I am grateful for the wisdom my floundering 20’s have bestowed upon me. and I’m looking forward to applying all of that wisdom as I move forward into my 30’s.

So, here I go  …. I’m going … right now, I’m going to go ahead …

Still hesitant. Note how I say hesitant as if I have some control about whether or not I cross the threshold.

Honestly, I’m not upset … I’m just … 30! It’s so grown-up. I seem old to 20 year old kids. Notice how I just called them “kids”. I have habits, long -standing ones. Like, things I’ve done for years. I can say that now, because I’m 30! I have a husband and a baby and a mortgage. My breasts are in a different place than they were even five years ago and my hips are moving away from each other. Remember when you were a kid and you imagined what you’d be like grown up? Well, here I am. This is me grown up and I’m just shocked, I guess. Not that I am so different than what I’d imagined, I just can’t believe it’s here. And I can’t believe that I pass for grown up. Doesn’t anybody realize that I still have no idea what I’m doing?

Hesitant or not, grown up or not, here I am. And so, I will continue to make peace with it. If Oprah says that it just keeps getting better then it must be true. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 30 years it is this: Oprah is never wrong. But me? 30? Inconceivable.


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